Mama Said Don’t Give Up

TW: suicidal ideation.⠀⠀
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Would they remember me? Grayson would. I doubt Charlie would. Lincoln definitely wouldn’t. Tyler is a better mom than I will ever be. They don’t need me. I’m so exhausted I’m not even sure if I care about any of that anyway. I just know I don’t want to wake up tomorrow because I’m too tired of being in this brain anymore. I know I don’t have anything at my fingertips that I could use to impulsively end it. I don’t own a gun and don’t like guns. I don’t think I have enough of any potent drug to do any damage. I’m definitely not fearless enough to actually do this… right? Are there other ways that are quicker and more painless? I wonder how people do the carbon monoxide thing? *googles* Wow, I just googled that. What is happening? Why am I thinking these things without being able to turn it off?⠀
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That was an actual stream of consciousness I had at one of my darkest points. I’ve mentioned it before, it was June of 2018. The only other time I got to the point of suicidal ideation was in 2007, after several days of night shift in ICU with no sleep. Both times, I knew it was bad. Thankfully, both times, I still had the wherewithal to alert people close to me that I was in crisis. What saved me might have been my fear of sitting alone in the intrusive thoughts. ⠀⠀
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I got the help I needed but everyone doesn’t.⠀⠀
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We believe that Maternal Suicide is the second leading cause of death in women the year following childbirth. This is an overwhelmingly horrifying statistic. Suicide deaths in general are at their highest levels ever, and I’m not surprised. Mental health resources are difficult or impossible to attain, education for support people is scarce, and psychiatric disorders continue to be stigmatized. ⠀⠀
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We have to keep talking about this. We have to keep showing up for people we love. And we have to continue to illuminate the darkness. Keeping these stories hidden will keep stigma alive. ⠀⠀