It Did Not Ruin Her

A photo of a woman looking into the camera with the text, "it did not ruin her" and a border graphic over the photo.

TW: Suicidal Ideation

We know that suicide is far too common, but sometimes I think the well intended narrative gets muddied. It blurs the reality of chronic suicidal ideation.

For many people, it’s not just a one time occurrence. It’s a state of mind you are prone to fall into when triggered. It may happen on and off forever. It’s not really about who went out of their way to be kind that day, or who smiled at you on the street, or how loved you knew you were or who checked on you.

What saved my life was self-awareness, honest vocalization of crisis to people close to me, a safety plan, relentless pursuit of mental health care through a Psychiatrist and Therapist, adjusting triggering parts of my lifestyle like sleep deprivation and overwhelm with my kids.

It wasn’t… someone who smiled at me in the grocery store.

Depression doesn’t care who says they want you to stay or who sends an “I love you” text. It’s unbearable pain and it erases all rational thought. Suicidal thoughts, expressions, and attempts must be treated seriously.

People who idealize leaving their reality by means of death need help- immediately and long term.

The highest risk of suicide is between 9 and 12 months postpartum. Maternal suicide is the leading cause of postpartum death in multiple developed countries, and possibly the US- however, our country does not report maternal suicide rates. It’s important to know these facts, but more important to understand that this is a preventable crisis. We can all bring our stories into the light to help reduce stigma and spread awareness.

If you or someone you know needs help, call the PSI warmline at 800-944-4773. If you are in crisis, text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the US at any time. The National Suicide Prevention hotline can also be reached at: 800-273-8255.

For further reading, visit my Maternal Mental Health Resources page.

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