One day last week I got in the tub three times in twelve hours…
To drown out the periphery.
To beg myself to think rationally.
I cried so much last week that the skin around my eyes was raw.
Last week I was in a depressive episode and a state of mental health crisis… again.
If you watched the IG live I did last night (that’s now on my IGTV), you heard me say this but- I was embarrassed to be transparent about that over here. I realized I was stigmatizing and gaslighting MYSELF.
The fact is that I have a history of depressive episodes and suicidal ideation (sometimes) with those episodes. This might be something I always deal with or maybe it won’t, but not talking about it and keeping it in the dark does nothing for me… or you guys.
Suicide rates are continuing to soar. Miseducation and fear around these very real, albeit dark topics aren’t helping anyone.
We need to talk about it.
We need to be vulnerable in an effort to clearly designate ourselves as safe spaces.
We need to take practical steps for prevention and treatment instead of pretending like the scarier parts of mental illness like suicidal ideation don’t exist.
I’m not broken and this is not a death sentence. I’m not hopeless. On the contrary, I am brimming with hope because I know for sure that if I have survived my hardest days that I can continue to… and so can you.
I know that I will not let depression take me away. I simply refuse. But it takes more than a bath, willpower and an inspiring quote. For me it takes a lot of self-awareness, staying in contact with my clinicians, accountability and from my support system, and emergency plans in place.
Last week at the request of my best friends… I filled out a safety plan for all my loved ones and friends to keep. I’m linking it HERE.
As always, my DMs are open and if nothing else- text HOME to 741741 if you feel you’re in distress.
Stay vulnerable. Keep talking about what lives in the shadows. You might save a life.